I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
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My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
emergency phone
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.