If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
You Might Also Like
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me