[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
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ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…