If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
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Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
me after eating Cheetos
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I forgot how to panic. Help
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?