If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
You Might Also Like
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Yep.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
three things we don’t talk about
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock