If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
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I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
We avoided this particular disaster
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
I can also cook 😂
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”