@215potter: If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
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@david8hughes: Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression? Me: no they both liked it
@lilgapeach30: Random drunk guy: if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put u and I together. Me: It's perfect the way it is with N and O together.
@TedOfficialPage: Everybody is tweeting "OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH", I'm like tf' you you think came after February ? February Jr.?