If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
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The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.