If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
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I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
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Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
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