I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
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[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.