My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
You Might Also Like
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
multitasking lunch
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.