If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
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ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.