If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
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Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
So, can we agree on 4 or
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph