@PaulyPeligroso: If the light turns green & the guy behind you honks cause he thinks you're taking too long to go get out & start checking your tire pressure
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@JohnLyonTweets: [parent-teacher conference] Teacher: Which kid is yours? Me: I don't have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot. T: M: How you doin'?
@simoncholland: I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
@QwertyJones3: [dog park] Go get it, boy! *dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace* Ugh, you're the worst golden retriever ever
@greg_vee: If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I'm about as self-helpful as they come.