Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
You Might Also Like
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Spring cleaning checklist…
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I think my mom just blocked me
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.