If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
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🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”