if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
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yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
I’d love this…lol
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work