If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
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“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
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It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.