Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
You Might Also Like
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Muppet Screams
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened