me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
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Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
how it started vs how it ended
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me