@Classy_Cassy89: If the people in your car don't match the stick figures on your rear window, I'll report your vehicle stolen.
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@Vodkantots: I'm incredibly flattered that my therapist thinks I should be in anger management. I've never even held an entry-level position.
@The_Amazon_Eve: "Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people." -my cat
@NicestHippo: *deliberately drops paper in front of cute girl* Oh my goodness was that my...(sexy voice) political science degree
@JohnLyonTweets: To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.