Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
You Might Also Like
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Whisper out to librarians!
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.