LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
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me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
there has never been a better use of this meme
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.