Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
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Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Breaking news:
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.