If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
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Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
o shit
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.