If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
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Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?