If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
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If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
This is true.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Noted.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.