@bigmacher: If the Powerball has taught me anything, it's how to turn $200 into $4.
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@drhappyknuckles: Doctor: Ted, you're dying, Patient: My name's not Ted. Doctor (checking clipboard): Linda, you're pregnant.
@rickygervais: Do let me know if you're ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You're welcome :)
@TitansHomer: My daughter just asked for a Samsung Galaxy phone. Had to sit her down and explain to her we aren't poor. #iPhone
@Maxine12333: You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.