@bigmacher: If the Powerball has taught me anything, it's how to turn $200 into $4.
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@Brampersandon_: [soup kitchen] *homeless man is handed a plate* What the hell is this? -Turkey bacon. *throws tray against wall* I'm hungry! Not desperate!
@fro_vo: [on a speed date] (okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie) “so, what do you like best in a woman?” BRAAAIIINNNSS
@AGreaterMonster: The mechanic has informed me that the shrieking sound I hear in my car on my way to work is apparently me.