If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
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Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Beauty and the Beast
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free