whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
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The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”