If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
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What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
ok hear me out: Luigiana