If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
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At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
My last name is Zilla.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Milk Cube
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?