If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
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The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday