If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
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Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
My dog ate my work from home.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Just a bush.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.