if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
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[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.