Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
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MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*