channeling her this year
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I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am