If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
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Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!