@sucittaM: If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I'll be a very wealthy man.
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@TheCatWhisprer: [pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral] sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
@Parentpains: Surround yourself with people that can't handle their alcohol, so you can drink theirs after they pass out.
@behindyourback: Your 30's mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.