I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
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dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
LMAO.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Oops I deleted….
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Message from the dog groomers
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for: