@davedittell: if the waitress at this brunch doesn't give me the Mother's Day special then I shaved my legs and stole this baby for nothing
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@ilovepie84: The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
@david8hughes: [first day as tour guide in New York] Me: that's the Statue of Liberty Guy: what is she clutching Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
@jergarl: Wife: Whatya doin? Me: I fixed the toilet so I'm adding Potty Fixer to my résumé W: You mean Plumber? M: DO I LOOK LIKE A HOUSE SCIENTIST?
@rickkondell: Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.