@davedittell: if the waitress at this brunch doesn't give me the Mother's Day special then I shaved my legs and stole this baby for nothing
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@maisonwithapen: HIM: isn't wintertime just so romantic ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
@mattZillaaaa: People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I'm going to answer
@ojedge: Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] "You're gonna be sleeping with the fishes…" Me: "Umm, it's 'fish'." M: "This. This is why."