@davedittell: if the waitress at this brunch doesn't give me the Mother's Day special then I shaved my legs and stole this baby for nothing
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@VeganZebra: *spelling bee* Me: b-e-e Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell- Me: B-E-E Judge 2: I mean, he's not wrong
@kumailn: My favorite romantic comedy sub-genre is "Hugh Grant falls in love with someone for no reason."
@dafloydsta: [job interview] "What's your greatest weakness?" Alcohol "Umm ok, how about strengths?" *pouring him a shot* Sharing
@LaziestCanine: Homeless man: Change please Me: sorry dude I don't have any money on me Homeless man: No, change...That outfit is hideous