@davedittell: if the waitress at this brunch doesn't give me the Mother's Day special then I shaved my legs and stole this baby for nothing
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@weinerdog4life: The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
@jjhartinger: I picked up an ice cream cake & the cashier said keep it in the freezer until serving so it doesn't melt. I've got to start dressing smarter
@KeithSantagato: #WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers....well now i don't feel like reading the math equation you just sent me