If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
You Might Also Like
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.