The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
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Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
we’re dead?
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me