My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
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Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
#merica
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks