@WhiskeyPotPie: If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
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@dave_cactus: WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla? ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
@i_wasnt_looking: I can't stand fake people. Unless you're with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop. Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
@TheMichaelRock: Coworker: What's your phone number? *looks up from phone* Me: I don't have a phone. *looks down at phone* Coworker....
@HavocMantis: Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.