@Eric_Bader: If the Zombie Apocolypse doesn't start out like the dance portion of the Thriller video I'm going to be so pissed.
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@haleysfalling: accidentally added a "z" to the end of the word "think" in a text and suddenly my jeans are sagging below my ass and i have 3 chains on
@conanobrienswyf: All out of clean spoons so I guess I'll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
@Black__Elvis: My boss told me if I kept showing up late he'd give me a pink slip and I was like, how does he know about my tastes in women's underwear?
@katbento: Why hasn't a phone that charges itself just by scrolling the screen ever been invented? What are our scientists doing?