– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
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I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning