If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
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Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs