If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
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toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.