If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
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If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
They got Raph!
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to