@4Crocs: If there is not a open bar and a goddamn delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
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@TheTweetOfGod: Attention crazy man on the subway: this is God. Please start telling everyone else in the car what I'm saying to you.
@panmidwest: I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn't be fare to him
@Cheeseboy22: I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80's cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
@Procaffinator: Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.