@4Crocs: If there is not a open bar and a goddamn delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
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@Parker_Simpson: On toilet in a stall playin TigerWoods on phone.eagled a par5.Crowd cheered.Pretty sure guy in the next stall thought I just took epic dump
@QwertyJones3: [FBI job interview] "Do you have any self defense training?" *flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I'm skilled at fencing.
@sofarrsogud: *makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost [He gets lost] *I don't answer my phone as I don't recognise the number
@causticbob: On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004. Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.