How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
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On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.