I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
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Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”