Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
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Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday